


Sir Meowsalot of the Doobie Kingdom

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Pineapple Express
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-07
Updated: 2009-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-02 12:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The not-so-epic tale of how Red got his cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sir Meowsalot of the Doobie Kingdom

"Do you hear that?" Saul asked, head tilted to one side. Red shook his head, not hearing anything past his own uncontrollable coughing for a moment.

"What? No, what is it?" He handed BatBong to Saul and listened, brows pulled together. "Oh, hey, what the fuck is that?"

"It sounds like a baby, man. Whoa, did you get a baby from somewhere?" Cradling the bong in his arms, Saul rocked it; Red frowned thoughtfully for a minute.

"I don't think so. I mean, one of my janes could have had a baby and then come back and left it, but that's totally not part of the whole unspoken prostitute-to-jane contract."

"Jane? Who's Jane?" Red had already abandoned the couch and Saul, trying to track the strange crying sound to its source. "Red, who the hell is Jane?"

"I don't know anyone named Jane, just shut up for a second. Hit the bong, I'm kinda busy here." He was swift, he was smooth, he was a tracker like no other. Red stalked along the wall, peeking out of each window as he came to it, until he whipped the door open. "I'm not your father!" he cried.

The crying stopped. What looked up at Red was a baby, but definitely not one in which he could have had a part in the conception; it was a kitten about as big as his favorite pipe, all tabby and big eyes and tiny little paws.

"Oh my god." Carefully, Red picked the kitten up and held it close to his face. "You're like a little angel. Look, Saul, it's my new cat."

"Since when do you like cats?" Saul looked at Red over the back of the couch, head tipped upside-down and hair falling down like some kind of broom, or maybe a tassel, something the cat could play with if it was bigger maybe. "I thought you hated cats."

"I hate ferrets, dumbass." Red nuzzled the kitten, carrying it back to the couch. It licked the tip of his nose a few times, and then bit down hard. "Ow! You little furry motherfucker!" The cat fell to Red's lap, lifted its tail disdainfully, and hopped over to Saul's lap, butting its head against the bong.

"Hey, little buddy. You want a hit?" Saul took a big one, then cupped his hands around the cat and breathed out until a thick cloud surrounded the whole animal. "Dude, look, it's like a weed sauna. Lucky fucking cat!"

"I wish I was a cat," Red said, liberating the bong while Saul poked at the kitten's tummy with one fingertip. "Eating and sleeping and fucking around all day. That would be awesome."

"But you get paid to get laid," Saul pointed out. "Your life is pretty awesome already." Red thought about it and nodded fiercely.

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome. You're pretty awesome too, Saul. Maybe you should name my cat."

"Serious?" Saul's eyes lit up, and he turned the cat around in his hands, flipping it upside-down, looking into its weird blue eyes, then finally tapping the cat on either shoulder with his lighter. "I dub thee Sir Meowsalot of the Doobie Kingdom!"

"That's cool, I'm just going to call him Doobie though." Tapping out the bowl of his bong, Red frowned down at it. "Here, trade me the cat for this dope, roll us a fattie."

"Your wish is my command, King Red," Saul said with a little bow. "This will be the most chubby fattie you have laid eyes upon, even bigger than that fucking leopard-print panties lady you were telling me about."

"Hey, don't knock the big beautiful women. That girl had it going _on_. I mean, her tits, they were like... whoa, dude. Whoa." The cat dug its claws into Red's shirt, kneading at his stomach. Its claws were like tiny little needles, and they stung like a bitch, but it was kind of cute really. "Hey there, Doobie. Doobie Howser. Doobaroni and cheese."

"Doobie-doobie-doo?" Saul offered, breaking up weed with his fingers. "I want a Doobie snack, Shaggy!"

"What the hell do kittens eat anyway?" There were munchies on the table, but Red had the feeling that even if it was stoned, the kitten wouldn't want Cheetos or Fruit Roll-Ups. "Like, do I feed it sardines or fish or, like, hot dogs?"

"Milk, man!" Saul shook his head chidingly, almost losing the joint he was almost done with. "You feed kittens milk. And kitten food. And when it grows up... you can feed it mice. And chinchillas. And small dogs."

"What, like Pekingese?" Red glanced toward the window. "Mrs. Bennet has one of those, I fucking hate that dog."

"Then when Sir Meowsalot grows up, he'll eat that dog. In like, two bites. And then he'll cough up a hairball as big as a baseball, and you can put that on a leash in Mrs. Bennet's lawn, and that'll be... that'll be awesome."

"That would be pretty great." Rubbing the kitten's stomach, Red grinned down at it. "What's up, little Doobie? You're gonna be a big scary dog-eating cat, right? Take care of that yappy dog? We can go get matching tattoos and I'll get you a little kitty bong, how's that?"

Saul laughed out puffs of smoke, passing the joint to Red. "I think that's a niche market that might not exist yet. Pet paraphernalia. Fumigation devices for furry friends. Uh, man's best friend's best friend?"

"I could totally make a living doing that, I bet." Red took a long slow hit from the joint and blew rings around the kitten, watching it curl up on his leg and blink. "Except it's not all that bad being a hooker. I get tons of pussy, you know?"

"And a lot of dick," Saul said, tapping the side of his nose. "I don't forget shit, remember that."

"Well, yeah," Red said, rolling his eyes. "But I don't need to be a prostitute to get dick, I only started in the biz to meet chicks. And it totally worked."

"You have met a lot of really freaky ladies. Hey, is that girl with the cop uniform still asking about a stoner to handcuff and spank and shit?"

"Oh, right, yeah, I'll give you her number in a minute..." Red petted the cat as it fell asleep, then took the joint back from Saul. "When we're done getting high, dude. All things in due time."


End file.
